“This above all: to thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man”. - William Shakespeare 1
What does it mean to be true to yourself?
Not in a heady, theoretical, impression-management driven way but an in-use, walk-the-talk — without too much talk — put into purposeful practice every day.
That’s how you develop your personal truth-in-action-and-interaction muscles so you can “be the change you want to see in the world”. 2
A pragmatic way to bring this practice to life is to do two things:
Recognise what you personally value about yourself, named by you, in words that are meaningful to you
Bring those qualities and attributes that you value more deliberately, consciously, and consistently into your actions and interactions.
By doing this, your values transform from something to talk about into inner muscles that enable you to be true to yourself in situations that require strength of character.
Just to be crystal clear, I’m not talking about the ‘culture as shared values’ nonsense where organisations pretend that a nice neat list of words whisked up in a workshop has somehow magically transformed their culture. 3
The real value of values is in knowing what yours are and then living by them.
So how to do that?
Over the past 30 years I’ve found that many people benefits from exploring the five questions below.
This best done in a ‘slow burn’ reflective mode.
If you find yourself slipping into a slightly frustrated ‘trying to get the right answers’ mode, it’s best to take a few deep breaths to calm yourself and approach the questions again — later if necessary.
You’re unlikely to get a breakthrough epiphany in one sitting, but revisiting the exercise from time to time often brings worthwhile insights closer to the surface and into consciousness with greater clarity.
So find a quite time and relaxing space to reflect on the following five questions.
Question 1: “Ups”
Looking at your peak experiences, the highest moments, the best times in your life, what talents, qualities or attributes were especially working for you then? What strengths were you exhibiting at these times?
If any words come to mind, write them down in your own words for further reflection.
Question 2: “Downs”
We all go through tough times in life that painfully strip away attachments and reveal “what we’re made of”.
So, when you look back at the bleakest, darkest, toughest moments in your life journey, what personal attributes, qualities or strengths enabled you to get through?
What kept you going in those tough times?
Note a few key words in your own words. It doesn’t matter if the words you use aren’t exactly how a dictionary would define them. What matters is that they capture some aspect of what you personally feel.
Question 3: “Stands”
Recall a time in your life when you took a stand on an important issue – where you defended something that you thought was right, despite opposition from friends and others whose relationships you value.
If you were willing to stand against people you value, you must really value whatever virtues, attributes or qualities you were protecting.
What are the things you value more than the relationships you value?
Question 4: “Arts”
Now recall a favourite piece of music or song or poem or movie or image or any other form of artistic creation that uplifts, moves or energises you.
So many other creations don’t do this — so what is it about this one?
Ask yourself: "What valued feelings does this evoke in me?"
Question 5: “Heroes”
This fifth and final question comes with a pre-warning.
Well, not so much a warning as an alert: to be attentive to the first person that comes to mind having reflected on the question before any internal censoring can interfere. 4
Here’s the question: As you look back over your life, certain characters inspired you because of some qualities you see in them.
They may be a real person you met, a real person you never met, or a hero or heroine from a movie, story, poem or book etc.
The point is there’s something about their example that touches you in a meaningful way.
What is it about them that you find inspiring?
Their example resonates with you — and it’s what you value in this resonance that you’re looking to identify.
The idea behind this question is that what you “see” in them is not only important to you, it’s also already latent within you.
But it’s not “activated” — except when resonating with what you see in a ‘hero’ (in the broadest sense of the word hero as someone you admire for who they are and how they conduct themselves in their actions and interactions).
It may require several reflection sessions before what you value in their example becomes clear.
When it does, you’ll know because there will be a visceral ‘thunk’ of recognition. 5
So if you want to discover for yourself the real value of values - by knowing your own and living by them more consistently — I’d strongly encourage you to spend some quiet time reflecting on the five questions above.
Then, having gained some insights into values that you value, take steps to bring them more deliberately, consciously, and consistently into your actions and interactions.
It’s best to do this in a gradual, measured way. For example, if you discover that honesty is an important personal value, it doesn’t mean you should simply blurt out whatever is going on inside you. Instead, try to push the boundary a little towards greater honesty — especially in important relationships — and see how it feels.
If it feels deeply right — but importantly not self-righteous — then you’ll feel increasingly confident you’re on the right track.
Cultivating your inner values is not selfish. Or if it is, it’s an example of what the philosopher Charles Handy called Proper Selfishness. 6
When you live more authentically by your own personal values, your example encourages others to do the same.
In this way, you stimulate wider adoption of the 2D3D mindsets at the heart of a future-fit culture of innovation and agility.
Find out more about cultivating 2D3D mindsets in this six minute video.
Polonius speaking in Hamlet Act I Scene III
The quote “be the change you want to see in the world” is often attributed to M.K. “Mahatma” Gandhi, even thought it’s not in any of his published writings and seems to have first appeared 25 years after his death. However his descendants regard it as a genuine quote and his grandson Arun Gandhi has even written a book with the title “Be the Change”.
For more on the toxic myth of ‘culture as shared values’ see this post.
I first did this exercise on a spiritual retreat in India in 1992. The person who sprang to mind was Freddie Mercury, the former Queen frontman who had died from AIDS a few months earlier. No sooner had Freddie appeared than Mother Teresa popped up and pushed him off stage. My internal censor had replaced my “inappropriate” first choice with a more “spiritual” alternative…
In my case, what I saw in Freddie was that he was being himself, as opposed to copying someone else. This realisation triggered some highly rewarding work on the practice of being myself.